February 20th 2020 | Jules Heartly. Self Love and Toxic Relationships.

It was a rainy day and at the time I was getting ready to leave my house the rain came harder, but it didn’t deter me. I have not seen my friend Ahava for almost a year, and it was such a great feeling to know we were going to meet in person for a couple of hours.  Although we texted each other now and then we barely or ever had talked over the phone during that year.  

When I arrived at our meeting place, she was already there.  She had chosen a table against the wall at the back of the restaurant; I saw her beaming smile as soon as I got in.   Her whole body expression spoke of lightness, of freedom, of joy, something not quite usual on her. After exchanging greetings and ordering a drink, I went ahead and asked her. “What is happening by you? Did you get a promotion at work?   She laughed as she said, “even better, I promoted myself. I let go a few people.”

Laying off  is in the employment world, a phrase that is usually unwelcomed or not even that, just the meaning is not particularly a source of joy. I knew it, and she knew that. So why her continuous grin?

 “I decided I needed to move up on my world, on my personal one, so I laid-off  the people in my life that held me back while pretending to help me push forward.”  So, no, my friend was not talking about lay-offs. Phew!  She just referred to something most of us have dealt with at some point in our lives, and perhaps more frequent than we thought we had.

She was referring to toxic “friends”, toxic relationships. People around us that at some point we blindly believed they were our friends, and great neighbors not knowing their only interest was to make sure we’re down in the “pit” as often as possible or at all times.   Friends, who offered their “help” and their “kind words” when in fact, they could not deal with the possibility of us (you or me or both) having a good-day, a good life, or a good-job.  The kind of people that say the “right words” to keep you down, where they want you to be. 

The psychological abusers.  The same ones that feed from you to feel good, to promote themselves as benefactors, or just simply as better than you.   And they do it through simple seamless actions.  The person that says, “oh let me do that for you, if you want to have it well done, because,  you have no idea how to do it.” or   “Don’t you dare paint that wall, it is going to come out horrible. You are not good at that.” Or “ Don’t mention that idea to your boss It will ridicule you etc. .” In a subtle way, they are stealing your confidence, your faith, and replacing it with fear and insecurity, all while creating the perception of being helpful to you, being friendly and loving.

This subject, the one of toxic relationships and psychological abusers, is a very complex one and extends to so many aspects of our lives.  It requires professional analysis in most cases and identifying whether you are either a psychological abuser or a victim of one, or even both, is just the first step towards freedom.  What follows is a journey, a tough one. It requires breaking with old patterns, confronting our fears, rescuing our faith and confidence, and holding  strongly on the knowledge of one’s strength, capacity, and courage of executing the actions needed to achieve that freedom.

An area where these types of situations is quite noticeable, is in the area of love relationships, married or unmarried couples, all the same.  And when the pattern continues for a while, it gives out not only to emotional violence and bullying but to physical violence as well.  We all have heard stories of friends or colleagues who are in relationships we could not imagine existed, but they seem not to be able to get out or not even want to get out.  

I heard a story of a woman, Astrid Villa, who was living in a nightmare of marriage, with all the elements of abuse in plain sight and only after almost losing her life in a domestic violence episode, she realized it and brought up all the courage needed to break the cycle.  I had the privilege of meeting her during the book tour of my novel Save Your Prayers – True Stories From a Nation Held Hostage .  She came up to get her copy of my book signed.  One thing led to the next, and we found each other exchanging writer’s stories. 

Hers was unique.  She graduated with a BA in Business administration and later on she pursued the career of a surgical instrument technician.  Even though her  educational achievements were in line with her expectations, her personal life was not.  She lived for years in a toxic relationship that almost cost her life.  

In the aftermath and while recovering from the psychological and physical abuse, and as a therapy, she was asked to write about her experience.  In the process of doing so, she found her inner love for writing and for helping others with her stories.  Her book Life Under Fire came from that effort. And she has embraced her new mission of helping others by becoming a life coach, giving conferences on “How to identify and fight back Domestic Violence using emotional intelligence” , “Women and Leadership”, “Self-Confidence as a prevention of becoming a victim of violence” etc.

Her story is a good living argument of how self-love and self-confidence are necessary not only for women but for all of us human beings to conquer the personal freedom and inner peace we all want to achieve. 

Exactly the same items my friend, Ahava, had identified and relied on when taking the action of getting rid of the toxic relationships that were adding stress and keeping her from living her life from a place of joy.

But How to identify those toxic relationships? I asked myself and now I ask you.

We all had colleagues, acquaintances, neighbors, and  people we interact occasionally that probably don’t fall in any of these categories. , meaning they are just that and the relationship is not so close as to be that toxic.

So  we believed we have it all sorted out, but what happens when your friends are actually your closest non-friends, quasi-enemies? And I am not talking about the friends/colleagues back-stabbers at work, that is totally a different category altogether although it may have some shared elements of behavior.  No, I am referring to those friends you see often, may even spend time with you at home, go out to places on weekends and may even vacation with you.  Yes, those friends who all this time, you thought they were just that.  And now maybe the curtain comes up and you get to finally realize … they are NOT.

Personally, I have recognized them sometimes when casually reading an article on the subject and identifying myself with some of the scenarios and other times, just by listening to the discomfort of my being,  my body (aches, upset stomach, uneasiness) when either I am about to spend time with them or just after I have done so.  If it happens once, I may ignore it, when it happens twice I notice it, when it keeps happening.. then I know it is time to take action and Let it go… do the lay off kind of act but without any severance 😉 payments.

Friendships are supposed to boost your immune system in all the sense of the word.  If anything they should help with your self-stem and in riding  the fear battles, although we all know that is an inner personal effort, a friend support system has proven to be helpful.  So, in this month of February when among other things, we celebrate Love, lets celebrate Self Love and take a moment to identify those negative individuals, and draw our boundaries and distance ourselves from their negative influence.

When you do so, tell me about it!  Go ahead and share your experience. How did you identify them and how does it feel once you have walked the walk of freedom?

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