Racing Thoughts. Great Minds.

Jules Heartly | Blog Updated on November 13th, 2021

The afternoon was fading.  The sky had a mirage of pastel colors blended with the few clouds hanging around.  The rose color seemed to prevail just to be mixed again with some light blues, yellow and greys. A perfect back setting for a summer evening painting.

I had recently arrived at the restaurant where I was going to meet my friend Arielle.  Being early was a good thing.  I could choose an outdoor table private enough to have a conversation and open enough to still watch the sunset and the nightfall.  

After a few minutes, I ordered an aperitif.  I knew Arielle most likely would be a few minutes late.  Although she enjoyed being early or on time, somehow, she “managed” to make those occasions scarce.  There were all kind of true stories about how, although leaving her place perfectly early for an appointment, she would somehow arrive just on time or late.  There was that time when she got so hyper-focused on the podcast she was listening to, she completely missed her train stop and “woke up” eight stops later.  Or that episode when she had been distracted by a window store display which triggered a shopping de-tour.  The best one was still the time Arielle got compelled to help a blind man cross the street, then ended up helping him with grocery shopping.  They ended up talking about his visually challenged life,  and Arielle remembered she was off to take the train when she walked him back across the street.

Halfway through my drink, there she was, carrying her grinning face, smiling eyes and a triumphant expression.

“I see myself in the mirror and I like whom I see! 

I may even stare at the image with no judgement! “

Arielle said as if the sentence was a greeting, a salutation.

“Well,  good evening.  Good to see you in such a good mood!”

I have known Arielle literally all my life. We had gone to school together and ended up attending a lot of the same classes at the university.  Her outgoing personality , combined with her wild looks made her popular.  She wasn’t tall but she was slender, with strong legs, wild curly hair, deep brown eyes, an almost perfect nose and a friendly smile.

When I didn’t see her in class, I knew she would be attending a sport event or better participating in one.  “I can’t just seat in the class for that long, I need to move!”  She used to tell me.  “I will study at home whatever I missed in the lecture.”  Arielle would affirm before I even attempted to say skipping half of the class was an issue.  

I didn’t understand how she did it.  I just knew when the lectures were beyond an hour-long, Arielle would sit at the back of the classroom, near the back door.  She did it to be ready for the moment where she either had to stand up and continue listening to the professor like that or after a few bad looks from the teacher in her direction,  leave the room and go for a walk. Sometimes she did return before the class ended and faced the reprimanding expression of the lecturer.

“I lose interest during a long lecture, even if it is a subject I like a lot” she used to tell me.  “I could space-out or even fall asleep for a few seconds or minutes, so I take breaks, it helps me to stay focused”.  Knowing that, it was surprising to me at first to see her grades, always good.  Every semester Arielle was the first or second in the class.

Arielle, at the university and during her professional career, always took interest in challenging projects, the ones requiring attention to different areas and innumerable tasks.  She thrived in them.  The few occasions she had to deal with single-item projects, she got bored.

When we spent time together, she was cheerful except when she had to talk about herself or touch a personal subject.  The expression on her face would get grave, as  if a dark cloud covered the spark of her eyes. “I know I could do better. Even people tell me so, and I have the will, but somehow it doesn’t happen!” she would say.  And those words alone would bring the heaviness of a bad storm and darkened our conversation.  But that afternoon, the light kept shining on her jubilant face. 

“What do you mean by saying you, Arielle, may now see yourself in the mirror without judgment?” I asked her.  “So, the days when the image of a failing Arielle was all the reflection visible in the mirror are gone?”

“At least, for now, they are!”  Arielle blurted out

“What happened, may I ask?”

“They have diagnosed me with ADHD!” Arielle answered, as if the news were a positive thing to say.

“ADHD?  You?  But you are an accomplished professional!  You have excelled in all jobs, done a million things, raised a daughter! Had a family!  …”  I, in my ignorance on the subject, let the words come out sooner than I should have.

“That is the misconception, especially when ADHD became the “in” diagnostic.  As you may see I could do all that,  and others with the condition may do that and more.  It is about how you go about it.  The struggle in your mind, the challenge to accomplish those same things.”

“Just imagine, me, Arielle, a person you have known for half your life.  Me who spent so many years wondering about those hundred things in my head, concerned about my mind continuously jumping from one idea to the next, from one subject to another.  Spending time in therapy sessions trying to figure out why I needed to be doing something while also doing something else.” 

“Do you  remember all the occasions where something urged me to get up and get out and walk or just move?  I nodded.  How could I forget the many occasions? The thing I thought was part of her personality?

Arielle continued, “All those moments when every little thing was a cause of distraction.  The anxiety of things not completed, or to complete those I had already at 90%.  All the times I thought I was a failure because other people reach their personal goals, do what they planned while I struggled to get to half of that.  All those years when accomplishing something at home took me triple the time scheduled, due to all the de-tours caused by mental and visual distractions… all that explained! In one single phrase:  My brain is wired differently. My brain is an ADHD one!”

 I didn’t make any comments.  I have accompanied Arielle on all her major life events, college graduation, her first marriage, her divorce, getting jobs, switching jobs, getting laid off, her second marriage, her first child, her attempt to switch careers…. And so on, 

This was the first time I was seeing her having a cheerful attitude towards something appearing to me as a health situation.

“I am sorry, I don’t understand… you are able to focus!  And at work I remembered you being praised for being organized!.  How could you be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive/ Disorder?”  

“People with ADHD are able to focus, just not consistently.  Distractions are abundant. Being overly organized at work was just a copying mechanism, as it has been having posting notes and to-do lists for  almost any activity at work or at home or in life”.

“That explains the sequence/to-do list you made the time we went to our first Football game… “  I said laughing with the memory of me finding her list and reading it out loud,  from “putting on the team shirt out on top of her bed and packing the game tickets  to wearing the make-up appropriate colors to go with the team logo”.

We laughed.  We may do it now without feeling shame.

 Arielle told me how after her own daughter was positively tested for #ADHD, her therapist had suggested Arielle get tested as well.  After all, Arielle had a lot of the same symptoms/personality traits as her daughter: 

Negative self talk, fears that gripped her, worry, guilt and shame about anything. Doodling and day dreaming more often than other people. Difficulty reaching goals and keeping up with daily tasks without feeling overwhelmed. Making far reaching analogies that no one else could understand. Being constantly surprised when finding things she had forgotten about. Becoming easily distracted by low-priority activities or external events others tend to ignore. Having so many simultaneous thoughts that it was difficult to follow just one. Getting quickly bored and seeking out new stimulating experiences. A tendency to be hyper-focused, in other words getting so involved in tasks interesting and rewarding she would become oblivious to everything else around.   Underestimating the time it will take to complete tasks.  Having trouble sitting still during a long meeting. Doing a million things at once.  Outstanding Creativity, fantastic out-of-the-box thinking, and incredible energy.

All that plus rarely being satisfied with the status Quo. Being an wonderful conversationalist. Excellent in motivating others. Very spontaneous. Rarely punctual. Having a strong sense of what is Fair, and always being ready to provide a different perspective. 

And the list is probably longer, as ADHD expresses slightly different in children and adults.

Arielle’s  daughter studied harder than any of her peers, which we all believed disqualified her from an ADHD  diagnosis. And her perfectionism was considered a character flaw or a character “plus” and never a neurological condition, when in fact, Arielle learned later, it was related to the attention deficit disorder.

“After being diagnosed, I spent time doing research, learning more about the disorder. The more I read, the more I identified myself with all the other members of the Adult ADHD community.  It was even funny. At times I thought somebody had been writing about me!” She said confiding with enthusiasm the details of her journey.

I ordered a drink for her, and didn’t rush to read the menu.  The conversation was unique and interesting and Arielle was talking non-stop like water released from a dam. Her diagnosis gave her a better sense of control over her life. She had finally connected the dots and her enthusiasm showed it.

“I now have a clearer understanding of the support I need in order to thrive. I’ve learned that I don’t have to change who I am — I can create systems that work for me, identify my strengths and setup an environment in a way that supports them, and guide my daughter to do the same.” 

In truth, Arielle had done a lot of that already through out her life without being aware of her ADHD diagnosis.  She had developed mechanisms to manage the “symptoms” or what I had called “her personality traits”.  The one thing Arielle still struggled with sometimes was anxiety and the ability to consistently slow down the amount/speed of thoughts arriving to her mind.  It was good for creativity but at the same time it was damaging. 

“Wait, sorry I need to write this down! “Arielle said out of the sudden, reaching out quickly to her bag and pulling out one of the pocket-size notebooks she always carried. Pen in hand, she rushed to get her idea on paper.  Her manicured fingers moved quickly, while her expression got into a momentary trance.  I let her be. 

“My apologies dear,  I just had to capture this idea before it faded.”   “Check it out! This may work for our project!  I have other ideas there too, come on, read!”  Arielle said, handling me over her notebook.  

Curiosity stroke and I browsed through the pages, My eyes focused on some lines while skipping some others, it was like reading thru ocean water ripples, until I zeroed-in… I went back a few pages dated a few days before and compared to what I have just read.  “Arielle, … I think … you have  well… you have had the same idea a few days ago.  Look!”  I said handling back her precious notepad. 

“Oh,  Yeah,  it happens!”  She said casually.  I still write them down, otherwise I wouldn’t know.

– “Are you ready to order?” the waiter interrupted us.  

“Oh, I am sorry we haven’t read the menu yet. A couple of more minutes ..,” I pleaded. 

 I squinted and struggled to make sense of the menu fine print, avoiding at all costs to get out my newly acquired reading glasses.  A while back, we had promised to be part of the small group of people with good vision regardless of the age.  We laughed when our friends gave up and started to show up at dinners with reading glasses and even more when they used magnifier apps on their phones to make it easier to read the menus.  

“Come on, give up!  Put the glasses on!” Arielle said laughing.

“There is nothing wrong with wearing them! They don’t make you a bad person or, in fact a better one!  They just help you do certain things with less of a struggle.  Which reminds me that is exactly what my daughter told me about her ADHD diagnosis and her decision to take medication for it. “

“Mom! The ADHD verdict made the voice in my heard much kinder, understanding!  And taking the medicine for it is like wearing glasses! It is less blurry in my head.  The anxiety slows down and thoughts are easier to hold on to. It decreases the severity of some of the ADHD symptoms.”

“ So …please .. stop pretending, and use the reading glasses. “Arielle told me, a grin on her face.

Glasses on, I made my dinner choice, and we placed the food order. 

Outside, the sky grew darker, still allowing the afternoon hours to linger in their final effort to stretch a summer day.  Clouds moved away and I prepared for a clear night with tons of visible stars.  A sky as clear as Arielle’s heart, now that she had made peace with the awareness of her condition, allowing calmness and peace to reach her, after finally knowing the acronym responsible for a lot of her life’s struggles and misunderstandings.

As a woman and a good #ADHD community member, Arielle believed anything is possible for her… including managing ADHD symptoms without medicines.   By focusing on life changes like Meditation, therapy sessions, Yoga, breathing exercises, video games, music listening, physical workouts, and a special diet to improve dopamine levels.

  “There are a couple of medicines to help with the condition.”  She told me, “but using them for the rest of my life is not something I am comfortable doing.  I rather modify my lifestyle and use effective coping mechanisms I had put in practice before being diagnosed with the condition.  My daughter, by the contrary, is doing better by taking advantage of both, professional therapy and medicine. Everyone is different!”  Arielle said in an assertive tone.

“I still get racing thoughts. I still face anxiety. But accepting the diagnosis had made a difference.  When a symptom arises, I recognize it for what it is, and make use of a copying skill. The only thing is… for now, I am keeping the ADHD diagnosis as my big secret.  I am not planning to share this with anyone at work, because there are too many misconceptions about the condition. I am not planning to share it with my husband either, and expert in bullying and an ignorant on the meaning of being supportive, he may use the diagnosis as a new tool to tease me.’  She said, her tone becoming sad and serious for the first time in our conversation.

“I want to blog about it.  There may be many people that benefit from your story.”  I said asking for her permission.

After a long silence, a smile irradiated Arielle’s face as she said, “Go ahead!  Let’s find all the Arielle’s in this world!”

And thanks to that moment, I took the time to learn about the Attention Deficit Disorder (#ADHD) and to write these few lines about it hoping many of you, my readers, take the time to do the same. To learn about #ADHD and to start erasing the stigma the condition has been associated with until now.

Perhaps, you may relate to some of the disorder’s symptoms for your own sake or for someone’s else and say fearlessly #IamArielle.

I have provided different links through out this article for you to learn different perspectives and aspects of ADHD .

Please remember, when someone has ADHD, it’s easy to end up thinking that there’s something wrong with them. But it’s okay to be different. ADHD isn’t an indicator of intelligence or capability. The person may experience more difficulty in certain areas, as well as easiness in others, just like any of us.  ADHD is a collection of traits that are both positive and negative—just like any other set of qualities one might possess. It is all about finding a niche and achieving success, by identifying strengths, capitalizing on them within the appropriate environment.  The road may be different but all and all the goal is reachable.  Knowing about the condition may help us to understand and support the ADHD community better, and may help them to flourish on a less painful way.

It may also help others to find their positive image finally reflected on the mirror.

Thank you for reading my blog.  I would like to read your comments and thoughts about this and all the other subjects I blog about.

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