7  Things I am learning about losing a loved one.

July 16, 2016  | Julia Becerra

It’s has been less than a week since my mother-in-law  passed away.  Although she was ill on and off , her death  caught me by surprise  and her passing has hit me hardest than I thought.

Her death has affected me emotionally, mentally and physically.  In just a few days I had lost a few pounds; my legs felt  constantly trembling and my body felt  like it could fall apart at any moment triggered by any simple event.

So today, I decided I had to make a change in my life, I had to do my best to learn how to deal with this sad event.

Here are a few things that I want to learn about dealing with the death of a loved one.

1. Realize that everyone deals with death differently.

As I was falling apart at the certainty of the death of my loved one, I could see how other’s immediately moved on.  Some people around me were casual about it and even breathed a sense of joyful relief.  I asked myself how can they not be sad?  How could they continue with the next life activity as if our beloved one had just gone to a trip to the supermarket?

I’ve realized that everyone processes death in a different way. Knowing this means that you don’t have to second guess your thoughts, feelings and actions. This is your personal journey, and you’re allowed to feel, think, say or do whatever it is that you need to heal.

 2. Open up and talk about it, but only when you’re ready.

Although  I texted with a few closed friends, I did not feel ready to talk about it .  I was still in denial. I kept thinking what could have been done differently; How could’ve that had happened.

Also some of the people (friends and relatives)  that were at my  physical proximity were not at the same stage of grieving.  Perhaps they appreciated more the fact that she was not longer ill and suffering  than the sad reality that she was forever gone. So I did not talk much about my feelings.  I pretended to go on about my life, going through the motions and pretending to go on about my life.

I know at some point I will talk more about it.. whenever the time comes to do it; whenever I am with the right person to be myself and let myself go. Once I do that the healing process will definitely accelerate.

3. Let yourself be vulnerable and Allow your friends to be there for you

I pretended a bit  like everything was okay because I did not want to let the world know I was in the midst of an extended marathon of an emotional breakdown.  The chance of my loved ones to be there for me was sabotaged by that behavior.  I want to let myself be vulnerable, and allow others to do the same around me.  One day when you’re feeling like complete sh-t, they’ll be there for you. Then when they have a day when they feel like complete sh-t, you can be there for them.  I would love to be able to do so, to be there for others on their time for sorrow.

For hours and hours, I was still asking myself the same questions over and over again:  Why did it happened?  Could’ve her life been saved? Why did I  feel so much pain? When and how was I going to get over this? Why couldn’t I just get back to “normal?”

Then  I   realized that  “normal” changed; there was a “new normal” I had to be used to.  This realization motivated me to figure out what else could I do to move forward.

4. Give yourself time to heal.

Observing others going about their lives from the first hour she passed away, made me think that there was a clock ticking and pressuring me to get over and “deal with “ my loved one’s passing.  But the truth is that although you are “expected” to act normal a couple of days after, there’s no one telling you that you need to fly past the “angry” or “confused” stage by next week, month or even year. You’re allowed to take as much time as you need to heal.

You are not expected to be perfect. Your struggles build your character. Your experiences make you unique.

5. Death may not be the end.

Death may not be the end. As humans, we’ve learned to trust more in those things that can be touched, felt, smelled or seen but there are things that can’t be seen but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. There is a world out there that is not visible to the naked eye, a very powerful world, a world that we all originate from and a world where we return the moment we leave our physical bodies

So she may not be in the physical world, but she is somewhere in the universe where cellular phone calls don’t work because they are not needed.  A different communication  channel is  used  and if we tuned in ourselves here in earth, we can stay in touch with her and with our loved ones that have parted that way.

6.Accept, Embrace the Grief and then let go of the Grief

When somebody you love leaves this world, you feel like the end of the world has come and if you think about it is a lot like the end of the world. The end of the world as you knew it, the end of the world for you and this beautiful person.

Now you will be living in a completely different world, a new world where the person you love so dearly will no longer be part of..

Feel the pain, embrace it, live it and when you’re ready, know that it’s okay to let go of it. Letting go doesn’t mean you forget about them. By letting go of the grief you regain the capability to enjoy the people that you love and care about as well as the  small things that make life  what it is.

7. Cherish the memories of your loved one.

For  the last few days  I couldn’t focus on anything other than the sight of my mother-in-law in the hospital bed. I closed my eyes  and I didn’t see her smiling, loving demeanor, or hear her jokes – all I saw was her in the hospital bed right before her last moments. It breaks my heart every single day, so I tried to replace those images.  I am now working on cherishing the memories we had  during her time in the world .

How could I overlook all those years of her life and push all of those wonderful memories away for the last days or the last two hours?

I realized that she will never truly be gone. She is still here with us in spirit.  And what I mean with that beat up phrase is,  that she taught us how to love selflessly, to gather a smile in times of adversity, to allow ourselves to share what we have and even what we still don’t have. To dream bigger and have faith enough to make those dreams come true. That her words and wit are still with us, with me.

We should celebrate the loss of a loved one just as we celebrate the birth of them, for trust me, the people that once lived on this Planet, the people we loved and still love so dearly want us to remember the many beautiful and precious moments we spent with them and focus on that and nothing else.

And of course Do what you love.

Losing a loved one is a painful reminder that life is way too short. And that loved one would want nothing more than for you to be happy. Truly happy.

A couple of friends told me to “keep yourself busy” . Busy  by doing what I love and make my dreams become a reality. So it was not about busyness for the sake of it. It was to focus my life on the life itself. I like writing.  I hope to publish my first book in the near future.  That feeling gave me the real chance to keep going and adapting to the “new normal”.

Dealing with loss it’s not easy and I decided to write this post because just a few days ago I  lost somebody very dear to my heart and I knew others may benefit from this read.

Also this blog gives me the opportunity to express my sorrow as well as my struggle to move passed the sadness, the emptiness and to focus on the peace that my mother-in-law has found.  I always enjoyed being around her because of her pure spiritual energy, her fantastic sense of humor and her extraordinary faith.  As I faced the fact that she left this physical word, I want to embrace a feeling of peace, immense love and blissfulness knowing that she had found peace and she has returned to see her loved husband who died years ago.

 

Thanks for reading my blog.

 

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