December 14, 2016 | Julia Becerra.  THIS IS COMPLICATED!.

Empathy, Sympathy and relationships.

In a recent visit to a close friends’ house, I was impressed by the following event: We were just finishing breakfast, when he heard the door bell. My friend’s husband, hurried up to open the door.  At the door, was a rather old couple; a pair of out of town people who had come to visit a neighbor that lived a few doors down from my friend’s house.  Nobody was at home at that moment, and since it was cold outside, the couple wanted to know if they could wait inside while they figure out what to do.  My friend’s husband let them in, he helped them with their suitcases and he even offered them coffee.  A few minutes later, this perfect pair of strangers were sitting at the table having not only coffee but a good version of continental breakfast that my friend’s husband had nicely made just for them, to keep them comfortable during their wait.

“Wow!” I thought to myself!   “This guy has a lot of sympathy and a good heart too!”

The following morning, my friend’s mother who had been the cost-free babysitter of their children for many years came in at the door carrying heavy grocery bags. My friend’s husband did not move from his chair. He did not help her with the groceries. He did not offer her coffee. Instead he shouted from the dining room table” Close that door! I can feel the cold air getting in! $%^&*”

I was in shock! How the same person that had nicely offered hospitality and help to a total stranger, had no sympathy or empathy or care for a family member?

At that moment, I decided to do some research and of course, to blog about the subject.

It must have  been the holiday season, or the universal ESP but as I started to look into  any research on the issue of empathy and sympathy I realized that two major NY newspaper had articles about Empathy (http://www.wsj.com/articles/the-perils-of-empathy-1480689513 and http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/29/magazine/is-empathy-really-what-the-nation-needs.html?_r=0), actually both within the same week!  I thought about not writing one more article on the subject but here I am doing it so. Looking for your thoughts on this old question: Why is it easier for us to help others even total strangers than to our own family or community?

It seems that it has to do with empathy (the ability to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and with sympathy (the feeling of compassion, or pity for the hardships that another person encounters).

Empathy has been a subject of study for many years, and the findings of such research although quite interesting still does not solve the puzzle.

For example, during  a research (http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/psp/107/3/475/) conducted  by the psychologists Karina Schumann, Jamil Zaki and Carol S. Dweck it was found that when people learned that empathy was a skill that could be improved  — as opposed to a fixed personality trait — they engaged in more effort to experience empathy .  But to change a person’s underlying empathic capacity; something else was the trigger element.  So in another research performed (http://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/soco.2012.30.5.564) it was suggested that the trigger element was a simple change in motivation: People with a higher sense of power exhibit less empathy because they have less incentive to interact with others. Even those suffering from so-called empathy deficit disorders like psychopathy and narcissism appear to be capable of empathy when they want to feel it.

While empathy make have some impact in the behavior I started this blog with, it is sympathy what actually drives the action.  Some compassion training could lead us to a kinder behavior towards others.

Although,  I still don’t have a black and white answer on why it is easier to help others than help our kith and kin, I would rely on what I have learned from research- empathy is actually a choice, and we can train ourselves in Sympathy- , to make an attempt to a proposal:

Knowing that it is easier to take a compassionate choice towards a stranger with whom we had no “baggage”, no feelings or bad memories than towards a known person, be it a friend, a co-worker  or a family member with whom we may have more than one “unforgivable or unforgettable” episode or misunderstanding, I suggest that we practice to be a little forgiving and a lot forgetful, in order to allow the choice of empathy to be considered as an actual possibility in our lives and to enjoy the feeling of sympathy towards the people that in one way or another we relate to.

Yes, I know, it is hard to forget that day that “we were called this or that,   by a friend or relative; or  that occasion when  our co-worker took credit for our work, and so on, but how many times have we done that or something close?.  And for how long could we suppress the wonderful feeling of sympathy as a result of our kept anger? Let’s move on!

This is not an easy task, I know. In fact it is complicated! Just imagine, I am still thinking about the actions of my friend’s husband with his mother-in-law! That is what drove me to write this blog in the first place!

I hope this writing close that  circle, but in any case should you have any more ideas on how to address this puzzle (Why is it easier for us to help others even total strangers than to our own family or community?) I am Looking forward to hearing about them.

 

Thank you for reading my blog!

AND  HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

 

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