It may be about to happen near you.

February 2025 | Jules Heartly

I enjoy watching thrillers, mysteries with unexpected turns, and intriguing stories in the style of Agatha Christie.  So on Saturdays I schedule time to watch Midsomer Murders, a show broadcast on the local PBS station.  

After the inevitable first murder — each episode features more than one – therefore the plural on the title — I meticulously scrutinize every detail, like a detective with a magnifying glass.

Or like a chess player anticipating the next move.  I examine words, actions, clues, and cues to identify the killer.  It is a mental game I play.  My attention is fully focused on every detail, something perhaps minor but leading to the final resolution.  I notice the tensions between some of the characters or their apparent good friendship which in reality may be a rivalry.  The behaviors of the Midsomer town residents, their culture, their pleasantries as well as their oddness.   All must be accounted for.  A clue could be found on the most subtle thing.  

The writers of the show are good at portraying strenuous  situations to lead you to your own conclusions and take a shot at figuring out or speculate who has committed the murders. They are master puppeteers, pulling strings to lead viewers through a maze of suspicion and revelation.  

During a particular episode, for a moment, I got distracted from the murder investigation and I zeroed in a couple of troublesome situations that were like parallel rivers flowing toward the same turbulent sea. They involved a middle-aged married couple and a younger one still contemplating marriage.

According to the town people, both couples got along very well and they seemed happy with each other, but what I was seeing as an spectator was two isolated cases of silent domestic abuse.  

 To the outside world these couples appeared to be sailing smooth waters, but beneath the surface, like icebergs, lay the crushing weight of their harsh relationships.

The younger couple’s dynamic was like a beautiful rose concealing sharp thorns. The male partner endured verbal and sometimes physical abuse from his female partner, whose soft-spoken facade was merely a mask, like Dr. Jekyll hiding Mr. Hyde. She would transform into a demanding creature, her greed and manipulation coiling around him like poisonous vines.

In contrast, the middle-aged couple’s situation was like a bird with clipped wings. The wife, once vibrant and creative, had been systematically stripped of her confidence by her husband,  A narcissist male chauvinist who during their many years together had  successfully subdued his wife, by making her doubt her abilities to run a business, to do fine work, to make small house updates, to exercise physically , even to paint (something she used to be good at before their wedding).     “Nobody will like your paintings, you would never sell one” He augured any time she got her brushes out to start in a new painting. 

   But that wasn’t all.  He would emotionally constantly blackmail her.  After screaming, and lashing   out at her for any little thing he would say “and if you don’t like it that way, I will just leave you”.  

His emotional extortion was a noose that tightened with every threat of abandonment. “It’s your fault, you don’t do things right” he’d say, his words falling like hammer blows on her psyche.

 The scenes were clear to the viewer as black and white.  She did work a full time job, to come home to do all the housework and behave as told, or otherwise her home will become an inferno, and it would be “all her fault”  for saying something or for not saying it.  No matter what.  And just to be reminded of it, she would be yelled at and verbally abused at every chance he got even if no obvious chance was provided by her. 

But this had been happening for years, so even when on occasions she felt hurt or overwhelmed, she thought it was only that time. She never imagined she was another victim of domestic violence. The silent ones rarely reported in the news.  The one that mostly shows no signs of physical abuse except in the same cases when the victim is killed by her own husband in a “moment of fury”. Or in the few occasions where the woman decides to confide to someone she was hurt not only verbally but physically. 

As the show continues, there are hints of some waking up awareness by the middle aged lady.  There are subtle changes in her expressions, something it made us, TV watchers, think she is finally finding out she is too, one to be added to the vast list  of domestic violence victims. 

So when her husband is killed during the second part of Midsomer Murders episode, it is easy to jump to the conclusion, she has done it!  The lady probably got tired of being mistreated and acted on it.  Why not?  We were given all the motives.  We as the show followers may even be supporting her.  “A drastic act but yeah I don’t blame her.  What a life the bastard had given her!” someone probably had said.

As the main suspect is interviewed by the Midsomer chief inspector, she denies killing him.  “ I loved him.  Yes he wasn’t always nice to me, but he was a good man. He meant well” The suspected lady  says with conviction.

And her words resonated with me.  Those were similar words as the ones pronounced to themselves and to others by the many unknown victims of domestic abuse.  Words told not only to others but mostly to their own selves daily as needed to stay within a toxic relationship.  Pronounced more often than imagined, because they have been ingrained in them by their abusers, so their abuse could be perpetuated without an ounce of fight.  To ensure their permanent control of the human being they are benefiting from. As author Alice Walker reminds us, “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”  

The reasons these narcissists act that way. are  many as they are different.  But their behavior is quite similar.   

1. Constant criticism and belittling

2. Controlling behaviors

3. Isolation

4. Blaming

5. Manipulation

6. Gaslighting (the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their own perception of reality.

(An example of gaslighting is when the abuser tells their partner that they never said or did something, even though the partner remembers it clearly.)

7. Intimidation

(when the abuser intimidates with violence or instills fear for their victim’s safety.)

8. Withholding affection or emotional support

This is a typical beginning to a cycle of emotional abuse.At first, the victim might notice that their partner had changed. Whenever their demands are not met, as a form of punishment, they make the victim feel unloved and unworthy.)

9. Demeaning the victim’s accomplishments or abilities

10. Using children as a tool for control

It is interesting how in such a short period of time (only one episode with plenty of other characters and stories going on) 9 out of this list of 10  domestic abuse behaviors were portrayed and even more surprising is how we do not noticed them in our daily lives, even when living such situations or when seeing other people going through them.

  We may see it as personality quirks or temporary storms in otherwise calm relationships. or a single episode, a fight or a couple’s disagreement but often failed to put it together as a part of a constant behavior, the one of a domestic abuser. 

And not only that, but on the name of LOVE we even may even give advice to the victim, and become advocate for them to hold on, to try and work it out together etc etc. 

(Which by the way is another clue to solve the puzzle of this particular episode of Midsomer Murders  …)

And that is probably where we all failed.  Victims, viewers, friends of victims, or persons affected by such behaviors.  We failed in the definition of love.  And on the closer look of whose Love we are referring to.  But as Bell Hooks wrote, “Love is an action, never simply a feeling.”

Because love, like a mirage in the desert,  can be confused with infatuation,, with dependency, with need, with so many  other things and definitions.  Love for someone else.  What is it?  

And we failed greatly because we somehow skipped the most important of love. . SELF LOVE. The same one the abusers have been working all along on making it be forgotten.   

 Once self love is recuperated.  It is a matter of a short time (mostly for people financially independent ) to be able to take the drastic needed step of walking away from that situation for good or standing up for themselves. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”  So once self respect is recovered it is time to take action and to speak up.

  Sometimes even with the help of a therapist develop strategies to undo what has been done for years ( almost an impossible task considering —the narcissist macho-man will continue to pursue his behaviors no matter what). 

When self-love is rekindled, it becomes like a phoenix rising from the ashes. For those with financial independence, it can be the key that unlocks their cage. Support groups and true friends become like stepping stones across a dangerous river, leading to safety.

Therefore, It is now more key than ever to be part of self supporting groups (#EVDVA EX-Victims OF Domestic Violence Anonymous ),  on top of being part of a solid group of friends.   Build a supporting system if you don’t have one.  Isolation is a known element to be used by abusers and of course to make it harder to step out of the “comfort zone: and fly unknown highs of freedom, triggered by self-love, Authentic self-love, embraced by your backing up friends, pals, confidants etc.

That is my invitation today during this month when valentines is celebrated.  Soar new heights, leave behind abusive relationships and cultivate self-love. Start this February, when red hearts  flow in every window store while actual hearts are broken on real people’s chests.

An invitation too, to those who find themselves performing some of the behaviors in the list ,to courageously opt to stop their “innocent” offensive actions and start making amends to their significant others, before it is too late, before the damage becomes irreparable, like a bridge burned beyond repair.

In the meantime  dear readers, help me to figure out who committed the murders in the above mentioned episode.  Other possible suspects are:

• The owner of a business who would benefit financially with the death of the individual murdered.
• An old acquaintance who recently arrived at the town to resolve an old grudge 
• The closest friend of the suspected lady *(The wife!)
• A criminal who had been in hiding for years and whom the deceased recently uncovered

I will reply with the answer to those who send me their best guess.

Thank you for reading my blog and let’s always be supportive of those living situations of emotional and/or physical domestic abuse.

Remember to follow me on social media @JBRADIANT and check my website for general updates on my books.